As I stood up after eating my football-sized burrito, I felt a surge. It was not a surge of energy, but a surge of weight. And It came crashing hard into my bowels. I walked swiftly to the bathroom, through a crowd of anxious and unaware victims of the burrito on which they were soon to feast.
I stepped into the bathroom and felt like I stepped into a time warp! I was back in the 50's! Ads featuring old 7up bottles, Suzie homemakers, and healthy cigarettes were pasted to the taupe walls. There was even a little erotica for the pooping pervert, a small pinup for the Malrin Brando Movie "Sayanara." Looks like the movie is about him and a Japanese woman being very... well close... They were close.
No writing was required, but there was even the "I love you Mike," and the "I was here 2/11" written neatly in the top most corner of the wall. The handwriting was carefully written. I suspect a woman wrote it after relieving herself of her cowboy crunch (Neato's specialty.) Did I fail to mention this is a unisex bathroom?
After reading about vaccuums that were made of lead and paint that kids would enjoy eating, I got back onto my double-task. I glanced around the bathroom to check out the cleanliness. It is a spotless bathroom. They take pride in their museum of old magazines and waste. One rather disturbing, but most likely appropriate item in the bathroom is the 50 gallon bio hazard waste basket in the corner by the door. I was worried that when I threw my paper towel away (Yes I washed my hands. The sinks aren't just for employees.) I would find some glowing green gobs of goop. I mean it's possible. The restaurant is just minutes away from 3 mile island, and not everyone can make it to the toilet after eating a Neato.
Accessibility could be an issue though. You must walk passed the prospective buyers in the made-to-order line in order to get to the cozy quarters. This could pose a problem for the person who opens the valves for a quick toot to relieve some of the developing pressure. Any courteous person does not want to ruin a meal before it starts, so he or she may struggle while squeezing more than his or her cheeks by the tightly packed customers.
Over all the facilities are a delight! The vintage readings will be nostalgic for those who grew up in that era, and it will be like opening a history book for those of us who can only dream of what those times are like. This is one of the few times I would encourage crapping where you eat.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
A long time away from my throne...
I'm back! Though with a little more, I mean, less discretion. I will no longer be talking solely of the toilets of my beloved college, but I will be putting to pen my thoughts about bathrooms from all of my travels. Though some exact locations, for professional reasons, will not be given.
With my new laptop, I can produce descriptions and ratings directly from the scene of the accident/crime/punishment/devastation/whatever. Like a king pondering on his throne, there I will be putting my best efforts into squeezing out details right there in real time.
So, please, join me again on this porcelain adventure. And feel free to share your own number two cents.
With my new laptop, I can produce descriptions and ratings directly from the scene of the accident/crime/punishment/devastation/whatever. Like a king pondering on his throne, there I will be putting my best efforts into squeezing out details right there in real time.
So, please, join me again on this porcelain adventure. And feel free to share your own number two cents.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Computer Center. Men's Room
Everyone knows this bathroom. This baby's a staple, much like its library counterpart. You will find it much more to your liking though. It's a very clean bathroom, but I'm going to get something out of the way first. There is always toilet paper in the smaller of the two stalls, or there are little floaties. This will no doubt make you want to stroll over to the "handicrapper." There are always streaks on this one though because the bowl doesn't fill up very high with water. I personally will take the streaks though. They won't splash up on you when you drop a torpedo (the type of deuce that when it hits the water, splashes a little on your behind, you know what I'm talking about) like floaties might, and they often flush easier.
Modern artwork can be found in the smaller stall. You can have an enlightened moment with a Gandhi-esque mural right across from you. This will make up for the low positioning of the toilet. A little one way conversation with the boss of peace will surely calm the senses for a relaxing poo.
I go for comfort though. Gandhi's sacrifice didn't get India too far in the big scheme of things, so I don't know how much it will help my pooping. If that's your thing though, go for it. I find the height of the "handicrapper" to be reminiscent of the positioning of the throne found in the executive suite. The writings on the wall were a bit aggressive though. But if you are into promiscuous women, I suggest you stop by there for some opportunities. ZMB gave a shout out, while Pi Kappa Phis were made fun of once again.
Ratings:
Comfort: 4 out of 5. Whether it's Gandhi you want to put on a pedestal or yourself, you'll be satisfied here.
Accessibility: 3 out of 5. It's on the backside (no pun intended) of campus, but everyone stops by the computer center for something. And since it takes five minutes for those computers to load up, you should have ample time for a quality dismissal of waste.
Writings: 3 out of 5. Gandhi is enjoying himself in there. So should you. I do feel bad for the people named on the walls though. One of the girls, don't ask me who, is in my classes. Now every time I see her, I think of what's been put on the poop house walls.
Cleanliness: 4 out of 5. The streaks and floaties subtract a point, but that's not the fault of anyone.
Crowdedness: 5 out of 5. Even through a busy finals week I have never had a problem going to the bathroom there. It's nice and quiet in there as well.
Overall: 19 out of 25. Relieve some of the stress that comes with writing that long research paper in the computer center. Stop on by the men's room.
Modern artwork can be found in the smaller stall. You can have an enlightened moment with a Gandhi-esque mural right across from you. This will make up for the low positioning of the toilet. A little one way conversation with the boss of peace will surely calm the senses for a relaxing poo.
I go for comfort though. Gandhi's sacrifice didn't get India too far in the big scheme of things, so I don't know how much it will help my pooping. If that's your thing though, go for it. I find the height of the "handicrapper" to be reminiscent of the positioning of the throne found in the executive suite. The writings on the wall were a bit aggressive though. But if you are into promiscuous women, I suggest you stop by there for some opportunities. ZMB gave a shout out, while Pi Kappa Phis were made fun of once again.
Ratings:
Comfort: 4 out of 5. Whether it's Gandhi you want to put on a pedestal or yourself, you'll be satisfied here.
Accessibility: 3 out of 5. It's on the backside (no pun intended) of campus, but everyone stops by the computer center for something. And since it takes five minutes for those computers to load up, you should have ample time for a quality dismissal of waste.
Writings: 3 out of 5. Gandhi is enjoying himself in there. So should you. I do feel bad for the people named on the walls though. One of the girls, don't ask me who, is in my classes. Now every time I see her, I think of what's been put on the poop house walls.
Cleanliness: 4 out of 5. The streaks and floaties subtract a point, but that's not the fault of anyone.
Crowdedness: 5 out of 5. Even through a busy finals week I have never had a problem going to the bathroom there. It's nice and quiet in there as well.
Overall: 19 out of 25. Relieve some of the stress that comes with writing that long research paper in the computer center. Stop on by the men's room.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Selwyn Hall, Third Floor. Men's Room
Nelson and I did some time traveling here. This baby is a relic. I couldn't believe my eyes. I was in a museum, a museum of crap. As some of you may already know, Selwyn hall was once home to many Albrightians. More recently these dormitories were turned into offices; all but that beautiful restroom. The showers were kept clean, urinals were disappointedly out of order (with due cause, piss is acidic, and we don't need it ruining our fondest of toilet memories here at this fine institution), and the sinks are still clean as a whistle. The only unoriginal features that I could find on this beauty were the foamy soap dispenser and a paint job. Gosh I love that stuff. It's surely an appreciated upgrade.
Let's get to the poopers! First thing's first, for being as old as it is, there was no writing on the walls. This leads me to believe that the white paint is currently hiding something dirty. I'm thinking there had to be something about someone's mom, or a strange homosexual request. The stalls weren't as roomy as I would have liked, but I don't think they planned for the obesity rate to blow out of control in this country at the time it was constructed. The seats were still stable though, and with years upon years of being sat on you will find yourself at ease with these almost cushiony plastic seats.
An interesting thing, and certainly a sign of the times are the cigarette burns on top of the sanitary bags dispenser. Smoking must not have been as frowned upon, cause this thing was turned into an ashtray. This is also a clue that it was originally a woman's bathroom, or that men have evolved in some strange way that we now no longer need sanitary bags in the last century, or half a century ago... whenever this place was built.
I must caution you though. Some say this bathroom is haunted, and you will get enough creaky noises up there to crap your pants... Wait a second, you'll be taking a steamer, so don't worry about soiling yourself. You'll be in the perfect place for the crap being scared out of you!
Ratings:
Comfort: 3 out of 5. Some people are into classics, others like the newer items on the market. The seats are contours after years of visitors though. Creaky noises might leave you unsettled as well, and a startled man is an inefficient poop master.
Accessibility: 1 out of 5. Who goes into Selwyn anyway? And those of you who complain about the hike up 3 stories in Masters might as well just go crap on a sidewalk.
Cleanliness: 3 out of 5. Cigarette burns are a minus. And it's old. It most likely has a dark history.
Writings: 1 out of 5. Even though I didn't see any, I still say that paint is hiding something.
Crowdedness: 5 out of 5. No one will be up there, so bring a buddy. You might interrupt a ghost while dropping of his ectoplasmic matter, but I wouldn't be too worried.
Overall: 13 out of 25. Get up there and see it for yourself.
Let's get to the poopers! First thing's first, for being as old as it is, there was no writing on the walls. This leads me to believe that the white paint is currently hiding something dirty. I'm thinking there had to be something about someone's mom, or a strange homosexual request. The stalls weren't as roomy as I would have liked, but I don't think they planned for the obesity rate to blow out of control in this country at the time it was constructed. The seats were still stable though, and with years upon years of being sat on you will find yourself at ease with these almost cushiony plastic seats.
An interesting thing, and certainly a sign of the times are the cigarette burns on top of the sanitary bags dispenser. Smoking must not have been as frowned upon, cause this thing was turned into an ashtray. This is also a clue that it was originally a woman's bathroom, or that men have evolved in some strange way that we now no longer need sanitary bags in the last century, or half a century ago... whenever this place was built.
I must caution you though. Some say this bathroom is haunted, and you will get enough creaky noises up there to crap your pants... Wait a second, you'll be taking a steamer, so don't worry about soiling yourself. You'll be in the perfect place for the crap being scared out of you!
Ratings:
Comfort: 3 out of 5. Some people are into classics, others like the newer items on the market. The seats are contours after years of visitors though. Creaky noises might leave you unsettled as well, and a startled man is an inefficient poop master.
Accessibility: 1 out of 5. Who goes into Selwyn anyway? And those of you who complain about the hike up 3 stories in Masters might as well just go crap on a sidewalk.
Cleanliness: 3 out of 5. Cigarette burns are a minus. And it's old. It most likely has a dark history.
Writings: 1 out of 5. Even though I didn't see any, I still say that paint is hiding something.
Crowdedness: 5 out of 5. No one will be up there, so bring a buddy. You might interrupt a ghost while dropping of his ectoplasmic matter, but I wouldn't be too worried.
Overall: 13 out of 25. Get up there and see it for yourself.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Alumni Hall. First Floor. Ladies Room?
That's right ladies. I've got a special treat for you. The rumors are true despite what both men and women say, girls do poop, and they poop somethin' fierce. Nelson and I were pretty bored Super Bowl Sunday, so we did some exploring. The men's room just wasn't big enough for the both of us. So with a little initiative from Nelsalziones, I decided to sneak on over to the ladies room. It wasn't easy though. There was a fashion professor, or some fashion lady in the room right across from the poop shack. I had to be swift. I had to be stealthy. I had to be daring. As she turned her head I felt that I was out of her peripheral vision, and I snuck inside.
So let's talk about this place. Bland, bland, bland. Where's the excitement girls? I remember from high school rumors of posting slut reports and horrible back stabbing lies written on the walls. There was nothing, and you should be ashamed!
Other than that, the room was quite tidy. You are very clean and should be proud of that. At least you can say it doesn't smell like zoo animals. It was not the most accommodating of stalls though. It was a tight squeeze for even me, and I am no behemoth. Only anorexic fashion models could fit in there. How apropos, considering the fashion department is right next door.
Getting out of there was awkward. The classroom was right across from the bathroom. And there is not a doubt in my mind that the woman that was in the classroom saw me leave. Girls, if you leave a stinky in there, then everyone in the fashion department will know about it, and they will point their fingers at you!!!
Ratings:
Comfort: 2 out of 5. It was tight in there. If you are of plumper stature or if you are an anorxic girl with a bony butt then you are not going to enjoy it.
Accessibility: 2 out of 5. For girls, if they want to go out of their way, they can. Men, unless you are bold, you aren't going to get in there, and frankly it isn't worth the effort.
Cleanliness: 5 out of 5. No complaints here. Even your sanitary bags were in order. Well done!
Writings: 0 out of 5. It's a little too clean I'm afraid.
Crowdedness: 3 out of 5. It's a one woman stall. Girls are going to have to wait outside before unloading. This may make you girls feel rushed though, so I knocked it down a couple of pegs.
Overall: 12 out of 25. Comfort and writings hurt my only experience in a woman's bathroom here on campus. If you have any suggestions girls, let me know. That is, if you don't mind my bottom on one of your coveted seats.
So let's talk about this place. Bland, bland, bland. Where's the excitement girls? I remember from high school rumors of posting slut reports and horrible back stabbing lies written on the walls. There was nothing, and you should be ashamed!
Other than that, the room was quite tidy. You are very clean and should be proud of that. At least you can say it doesn't smell like zoo animals. It was not the most accommodating of stalls though. It was a tight squeeze for even me, and I am no behemoth. Only anorexic fashion models could fit in there. How apropos, considering the fashion department is right next door.
Getting out of there was awkward. The classroom was right across from the bathroom. And there is not a doubt in my mind that the woman that was in the classroom saw me leave. Girls, if you leave a stinky in there, then everyone in the fashion department will know about it, and they will point their fingers at you!!!
Ratings:
Comfort: 2 out of 5. It was tight in there. If you are of plumper stature or if you are an anorxic girl with a bony butt then you are not going to enjoy it.
Accessibility: 2 out of 5. For girls, if they want to go out of their way, they can. Men, unless you are bold, you aren't going to get in there, and frankly it isn't worth the effort.
Cleanliness: 5 out of 5. No complaints here. Even your sanitary bags were in order. Well done!
Writings: 0 out of 5. It's a little too clean I'm afraid.
Crowdedness: 3 out of 5. It's a one woman stall. Girls are going to have to wait outside before unloading. This may make you girls feel rushed though, so I knocked it down a couple of pegs.
Overall: 12 out of 25. Comfort and writings hurt my only experience in a woman's bathroom here on campus. If you have any suggestions girls, let me know. That is, if you don't mind my bottom on one of your coveted seats.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
The Executive Suite
By request my journey led me to this Mecca among facilities. Sadly, I had to leave Nelson behind. This bathroom is in a way a personal sanctuary. So I trekked off alone.
As I passed through the hall, anticipation began to rise. I could feel something in my stomach. I don't know if it was a coming bowel movement or just pure excited to share my experience with the world.
As I entered I was surrounded by the color of purity, white. Glorious white tiles and white paint reflected the light from heaven itself. I knew right away that I had found a home. I set my things on the heater next to the sink, as if I walked in my front door after a long day's work, and I went right for my chair or "throne" if you will.
The seat was just right. My legs were equidistant and I was perfectly parallel, seated in the optimum position for delivering the goods. My surroundings were peaceful and calm. There was but one writing on the wall, "poop." So simple. So eloquent. Whoever wrote this is surely an artist working with the medium of philosophy on plastic.
Even the flush sent my package in a smooth transition through the cool waters towards its final destination. The warm water from the tall faucet and foamy soap left my hands sparkly clean. You could see the rosy glow in my cheeks in the reflection in the mirror.
Upon leaving I felt, besides a half a pound lighter, a little bit more satisfaction than usual. I accredit this to the "executive suite." Thank you. It was a pleasure.
Ratings:
Comfort: 5 out of 5. Untouchable.
Accessibility: 5 out of 5. I will not tell you where it is. You must find this sacred place on your own journey
Writings: 5 out of 5. Deep and Profound.
Cleanliness: 5 out of 5. White shows all, and there was no filth to show. This bathroom is sublime.
Crowdedness: 5 out of 5. It's in just the right spot that you should never have a problem. If you ever do, give the person the courtesy. Humility and selflessness goes a long way. His satisfaction should leave you at peace with using a "second best."
Overall: 25 out of 25. It symbolizes perfection.
As I passed through the hall, anticipation began to rise. I could feel something in my stomach. I don't know if it was a coming bowel movement or just pure excited to share my experience with the world.
As I entered I was surrounded by the color of purity, white. Glorious white tiles and white paint reflected the light from heaven itself. I knew right away that I had found a home. I set my things on the heater next to the sink, as if I walked in my front door after a long day's work, and I went right for my chair or "throne" if you will.
The seat was just right. My legs were equidistant and I was perfectly parallel, seated in the optimum position for delivering the goods. My surroundings were peaceful and calm. There was but one writing on the wall, "poop." So simple. So eloquent. Whoever wrote this is surely an artist working with the medium of philosophy on plastic.
Even the flush sent my package in a smooth transition through the cool waters towards its final destination. The warm water from the tall faucet and foamy soap left my hands sparkly clean. You could see the rosy glow in my cheeks in the reflection in the mirror.
Upon leaving I felt, besides a half a pound lighter, a little bit more satisfaction than usual. I accredit this to the "executive suite." Thank you. It was a pleasure.
Ratings:
Comfort: 5 out of 5. Untouchable.
Accessibility: 5 out of 5. I will not tell you where it is. You must find this sacred place on your own journey
Writings: 5 out of 5. Deep and Profound.
Cleanliness: 5 out of 5. White shows all, and there was no filth to show. This bathroom is sublime.
Crowdedness: 5 out of 5. It's in just the right spot that you should never have a problem. If you ever do, give the person the courtesy. Humility and selflessness goes a long way. His satisfaction should leave you at peace with using a "second best."
Overall: 25 out of 25. It symbolizes perfection.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Teel. Third Floor. Men's Room
Let's talk teel hall. Let's talk trickery. Let's talk tight spaces. The outing started with a deceptive handicapped bathroom. Upon seeing the tight seat, I panicked and dove into the stall that Nels was trying to sit in. We ended up wrestling for the spot, and to the untrained ear it could have sounded like a little more than wrestling. As a last ditch effort, I tried the trout. Slippery like the trout is I lost footing and Nelson pushed me out of the stall successfully... Lucky Man.
So there I was staring at this contraption of a toilet. I knew what I had to do, so I dropped trou and had a sit. The space was so tight I was practically giving myself the fruitbasket (ask for explanation). This posed quite a comfort problem. I couldn't spread my legs for comfort because the handicapped bars had me trapped. Meanwhile, Nelson was laughing to himself as he was basking in comfort. I didn't want to touch the ice cold bars so I kept my legs tight. DIOS MIO, this place fails in comfort. I made an amazing discovery while sitting there, as I often do my best thinking in the confinement of a bathroom stall. (You will have to ask me about this discovery as well, because it's just too explicit to describe here in this Blog. Remember, I do a service. I'm not here to gross people out.)
After the discovery was made we did some soul searching, wait, no we didn't we examined the bathroom as we always do. And here are the ratings.
Comfort: 2 out of 5. Nelson was snickering to himself as I sat in handicapped misery.
Accessibility: 1 out of 5. Who the heck wants to hike up there? It's on the other side of campus on the third floor. I'll take Master's or the Chapel over this any day.
Writings: 0 out of 5. Give us a reason to get up there, because there is nothing to read on these walls right now.
Cleanliness: 5 out of 5. Nicely done.
Crowdedness: 5 out of 5. Unless you have the unusual situation of fighting with your poopin' buddy for a stall, there will be little competition.
Overall: 13 out of 25. One of the two stalls in the bathroom are nice, and you don't want to hike all the way up there for a 50/50 chance. Find a different hole for your dirt.
So there I was staring at this contraption of a toilet. I knew what I had to do, so I dropped trou and had a sit. The space was so tight I was practically giving myself the fruitbasket (ask for explanation). This posed quite a comfort problem. I couldn't spread my legs for comfort because the handicapped bars had me trapped. Meanwhile, Nelson was laughing to himself as he was basking in comfort. I didn't want to touch the ice cold bars so I kept my legs tight. DIOS MIO, this place fails in comfort. I made an amazing discovery while sitting there, as I often do my best thinking in the confinement of a bathroom stall. (You will have to ask me about this discovery as well, because it's just too explicit to describe here in this Blog. Remember, I do a service. I'm not here to gross people out.)
After the discovery was made we did some soul searching, wait, no we didn't we examined the bathroom as we always do. And here are the ratings.
Comfort: 2 out of 5. Nelson was snickering to himself as I sat in handicapped misery.
Accessibility: 1 out of 5. Who the heck wants to hike up there? It's on the other side of campus on the third floor. I'll take Master's or the Chapel over this any day.
Writings: 0 out of 5. Give us a reason to get up there, because there is nothing to read on these walls right now.
Cleanliness: 5 out of 5. Nicely done.
Crowdedness: 5 out of 5. Unless you have the unusual situation of fighting with your poopin' buddy for a stall, there will be little competition.
Overall: 13 out of 25. One of the two stalls in the bathroom are nice, and you don't want to hike all the way up there for a 50/50 chance. Find a different hole for your dirt.
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